Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
