If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
