Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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