there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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