Umm I'm too high to move.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
