ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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