peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
