Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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