so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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