true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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