Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
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i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
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I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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