so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
