If that was your dad, he is hot
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
