Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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