Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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