Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
