I wish they made helmets for livers.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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