I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
