Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
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There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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