im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
