im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
