I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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