It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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