ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
