Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
