i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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