she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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