Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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