Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
