Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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