someone threw a dead crab at me
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Randomize
