just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
