He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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