its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
