I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
