I looked at my own cervix.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
