I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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