Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
