the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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