dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
