Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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