The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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