Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
