I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
