My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
