No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
