paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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