I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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