you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
