why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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