Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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