remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
