well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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