Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
