She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
