i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
