I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
