a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
